My son, Tyler was born on May 28, 1992. He was
a beautiful, healthy boy who was very much
loved by his parents and grandparents.
Unfortunately, shortly after Tyler 's birth
his father's behaviour became erratic and he
committed suicide when Tyler was 5 weeks old.
As a result of this tragedy Tyler got very
close to his maternal grandparents. He was
very close to his grandfather, until he died
of bile duct cancer when Ty was three. He also
was being babysat by his maternal grandmother
when she had a heart attack. His first three
years were not easy ones. Despite all of this;
he was a little boy with huge blue eyes,
gorgeous curly blond hair and the most
contagious smile you would ever encountered.
People would stop me in shopping centres,
grocery stores, etc. to comment on what a
polite and wonderful child he was.
As Tyler grew, very distinct characteristics
started shining through. He showed himself to
be thoughtful, caring, considerate and very,
very sensitive. Tyler had a strong need to be
heard, understood and above all validated.
Misunderstandings happened for Tyler when he
didn’t feel accepted or appreciated, and he
would be greatly affected by these
situations. He wasn’t quick to write people
off, though he could certainly put you through
a challenging experience! He did however try
his best to understand someone else’s
perspective and to learn from it.
Tyler loved Kindergarten, often asking me to
take him to the library, because he had to do
a project. He wanted to go to the library and
research topics and gather information to take
back to school. However, as the years
progressed so did Tyler 's frustration with
the school system. He often felt misunderstood
and like that he wasn't good enough, smart
enough,... However even during those years he
continued to have some very meaningful
relationships with those adults or youth that
he felt were fair, open and really wanted to
get to know him. He began to exhibit more, and
more behaviour difficulties at school and
home. This heightened when I married, and
Tyler was 12. This seemed to really be a tough
adjustment for Tyler . We tried individual
counselling, family counselling, social skills
groups with a parent training component,
During this difficult period Tyler was also he
was diagnosed with a learning disability,....
We tried and tried to get services for Tyler
over the years. We hit many roadblocks and
encountered many struggles getting him the
help he needed, especially after he was 16.
Even more so, after he turned 18. I kept being
told that in Ontario the law states that an
individual has a right to be mentally ill, and
choose whether or not to access treatment.
However, the frustration is that
as a Child and Youth Worker for 17 years
before becoming a teacher, I know that mental
illness is often a result of chemical
imbalances in the brain, and therefore people
may not be able to think clearly to make lucid
decisions. I exhausted every resource in our
area and then even went to Toronto , and
elsewhere to access the services Tyler needed.
Friendships played an important part in Tyler
’s life. He enjoyed snowboarding and BMX
biking with friends and hanging out at Donavan
Skate Park (Even when he wasn’t supposed
to!)He loved camping, fishing and many other
outdoor activities. Tyler was able to form
meaningful connections wherever he went and
with people from all walks of life. He was so
non-judgmental and his loving spirit was felt
by all. He was the kind of guy that was easy
to be around and he made you feel that you had
known him longer than you actually had.
Tyler had an adventurist spirit and loved the
outdoors. He enjoyed going to his Grandma’s
house up north and building forts, ice fishing
and loooong walks in the bush-with little
worry of bears. He once said to his Grandma,
“I can't live my life in fear of what might
happen.” Tyler believed life was for living
and he lived it to the fullest. Sometimes
Tyler took risks and this was scary for those
of us that loved him.
At times life was a roller coaster for Tyler .
Although part of his life was filled with some
turmoil, much of it was filled with joy and
happiness. He had some great ups and he had
some downs. Tyler struggled with mental health
issues, and was clear that medication did have
a positive impact on his life. In fact, he
became very confrontational with a Dr. once
who had spoke of taking him off the
medication after only a few moments in the
office. He was wise enough to say, "If you
think that I should come off these than you
are the crazy one! They help me!! I am doing
the best at school and home that I have done
in a long time,..." However, as he
manoeuvred
his way through adolescence, he like many
others began experimenting with alcohol and
recreational drugs. These are not a good
combination with psychiatric medications. As a
result, his moods became less regulated and
life became increasing difficult. Suspensions
from school, strained family and personal
relationships increased for Tyler. As well, he
was less and less able to maintain a job,
schooling, etc. Tyler was unable during this
time to use the supports offered to him at
home or elsewhere. Tyler’s behaviour became
more reckless and he ended up having
difficulties with the law Tyler had
experienced issues with the law and ended up
homeless and living in shelters for the last
two weeks of his life. As a parent, it was
heart-breaking to hear him say that he was
trying his hardest and that it just kept
getting harder. That he didn't know how much
longer he could go on. After a phone call with
his grandmother the Tuesday before his death,
I became concerned about his emotional and
psychological well-being. Therefore, I took
Wednesday off work and attempted to access
services for Tyler . I contacted his Dr.'s
office and begged them to see us, to stabilize
his medication. I was clear that I thought he
would be dead soon(not being melodramatic,
just based on mother's intuition and some
experience). They gave me an appointment for
two weeks later which we never made it to. I
did fortunately locate Tyler at a shelter that
day though and met him for coffee. He had
found a youth shelter in Scarborough that he
was comfortable at and was feeling so hopeful
and planning his future. We had a chat, I
begged him to go for drug/alcohol
rehabilitation which he refused. I gave him
clean dry clothes and a rain coat, I told him
I loved him and he let me give him a hug and a
kiss. Little did I know that would be the last
time I would see my son alive. Unfortunately
he had just celebrated his 19th birthday the
day before his death.
It is unfortunate
that his life was cut short, being pulled
toward and then clipped by a Via Train in
Pickering, as he and a friend whom he had been
out celebrating his birthday with walked back
to the shelter in Scarborough. This was an
accident death, that was considered an death
by misadventure. The boys were not aware that
such a thing as this "backdraft" could happen
when being by the tracks. The ironic part was
that for three months prior, I had talked to
my friends about my worries and fears for
Tyler, using the analogy that, "It is like
watching a train wreck about to happen, you
call and call for help... but no one helps
you... and you just watch it happen in slow
motion, but can do nothing to stop it." I had
bought a prayer book, entitled The Power of
the Praying Parent, and that is what I did
every night; as I didn't know what else to
do!!
Tyler was hard on himself. He had taken
training to help lead within his church
community but as he struggled through some of
adolescence he refused to return to the church
saying that he was too big of a sinner. At the
memorial for Tyler at the funeral home, and
also at a memorial service at the Second Base
Shelter in Scarborough where Tyler last
resided, many spoke about the positive impact
he had had on them. They spoke of the legacy
he left and what he taught them about the
power in "just being there" for someone. I
wish Tyler would have known how many people
truly loved, respected and learned from him.
We are all better for having known him.
Life shouldn't be this hard for our youth.
We can all take a stand and help to make a
difference. We need to stand up and say that
no one should have to suffer with mental
illness any more than they do with any
physical disease. We would not let our
children suffer with heart disease,
diabetes,... Why do we let them suffer with
mental illness? More has to be done around
coordination of services, decreasing the
stigma in accessing services, getting timely
assessments.....I was an educated and
experienced parent, who had experience working
in the field in which I was attempting to
access services for my son. However, I often
felt I had little hope and could not maneuver
or navigate through the system. What about
families without this experience? Services
need to be more accessible and comprehensive.
We have to constantly remember the link and
comorbidity of mental health and addictions.
Services need to be there to assist the youth
but also the family through this experience. I
remember nights receiving a call from my son
to come pick him up, so wasted that he
couldn't even identify a landmark or street
sign. I would have to just get in my car and
drive the streets, while he told me he was so
cold that he had no feeling in his
extremities,...We all suffer, when our loved
ones struggle with mental health and
addictions. Let's lessen the pain, firstly by
making it okay to talk about it. Secondly, by
realizing it is not someone's "fault" but that
it is an illness, which with proper treatment
allows for full, rich lives and relationships.
I pray that the loss of my son is not in vain,
but that through this we can encourage others
to talk about it, seek help, acknowledge their
addictions,....
I had talked with Tyler when he was in a
treatment facility on a visit once, and said
maybe someday we could help youth and their
families who were going through similar
situations; when he asked "Why did we have to
go through this?" I am hoping that by sharing
our story maybe we can make a difference in
someone's life and let them know that they are
not alone, that there are people that love
them and services that can help them. I am
also attempting to support local services in
bettering services for youth and their
families.
Thanks for your support,
Vicki Davis
D'Abreu
